Sparks! with April Beyer

You are closer than you think.

One to One with April

How Trying to Be a Bitch Backfires in Love

There’s plenty of dating advice out there encouraging women to employ what we might call “underhanded” tactics to attract and maintain a relationship. And there’s no doubt this concept sells books. But does it work? That’s what Jenn wants to know:

April, I have read three dating advice books: The Manual, Why Men Love Bitches, and Why Men Marry Bitches. The Bitches books rang so utterly true to me, and I see these ladies all the time with gorgeous, committed, providing men. What are your thoughts on the path and techniques discussed in these books?

Jenn, in my 17 years as a leading matchmaker to some of the worlds most eligible, marriage-minded men, I have yet to meet a man who is looking for a “bitch.” The work I do has given me insight into what motivates a man to care for a woman, and ultimately choose to marry her, and “bitch” is nowhere on the list.

In fact, quite the opposite: all of my clients have married women who were beautiful, smart, strong, loving and emotionally healthy. Their relationships started off with full disclosure, no games and honest communication. If I introduced my clients to women who came off as bitchy, I would lose my business forever!

The Bitches books have been very successful. However, once you start reading, you quickly realize that the books aren’t about being a bitch at all. These books are written for women who’ve fallen into the trap of thinking the only way to love a man is to put up with his bad behavior. There are millions of women who, unfortunately, don’t have clear personal boundaries, self esteem or self knowledge. As a result, they turn to these books which are really just encouraging them to stand up for themselves and gain a little self respect.

The Alternative

Ultimately, Jenn, what all men want is to be with the woman that makes them a better man. But, that doesn’t mean by being a terrible shrew. Those ladies that you see with gorgeous, committed, accomplished men may look like they won him with their super star bitch talent, but I can assure that is not the case. Most likely, these women simply knew what they needed and weren’t afraid to ask for it.

An emotionally healthy man will only respect you and long to marry you if he feels you lead your own life with joy, confidence and a healthy self-awareness. Is that all it takes to make a couple? Heaven’s no, but it’s a great place to start.

Games Don’t Work

When I first met my husband, he remarked about how effortless it was to date me. How did I earn his respect? I was honest, loving, I expressed my joy, needs and wants. I was able to do this without worrying if he would leave me. I simply knew myself and wasn’t afraid of the outcome. He always (and still does to this day) knew where he stood with me. And I didn’t convey my boundaries with harsh tones, the threat of abandonment, rules, tactics or strategies.

Don’t make the mistake of playing games. Whether you know it or not, even adopting an air of bitchiness to get a guy to shape up is playing a game. That won’t attract a quality, relationship-ready man and it’s not a good foundation for a commitment.

Instead: Be you. Be the best version of you. Loving, open, honest, thoughtful, strong and compassionate.

I’d love to hear from the rest of you – tell me about your own experiences. Has being a bitch ever worked for you? How long did the relationship last? Share your story in the comments! I’ll be checking back in and responding…

Much love,
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