Sparks! with April Beyer

You are closer than you think.

One to One with April

He’s Still on OKCupid? He Dates? You Date. Simple.

It breaks my heart when women don’t listen to their intuition, especially when it’s telling them something isn’t right. That’s what’s happening with Lisa.

I’ve been dating the same man for two months. We only see each other once a week, and he’s still on Match.com. He says he wants to take it slow and let it develop, and to be fair, he’s been very honest with me from day one about not wanting to be pushed. We’ve had sex and there is definitely chemistry. Should I hang in there? Play hard to get?

Lisa, I’m going to get right to the point today. In this situation, instead of asking yourself what you need or what’s appropriate, you’ve allowed this man to dictate the tone of the entire relationship. Does it feel good to know that you’re having sex with a man who’s still dating other women? Of course not!

Now before everyone misinterprets what I’m saying here, let me point you to another of my One-to-One posts where I advise a reader to dive right into sex with someone if that’s what she wants. The dating advice in both that post and this one comes down to one consistent thing: trusting your instincts. In this case Lisa is doing the opposite of that.

Gaining Clarity

Lisa, there’s nothing wrong with taking things slow, but that also means not giving a man your most intimate self (sex) and all of your time if he’s not invested in you, while you want something more. You’re giving a lot of yourself away and it’s not just your body and heart; you’re giving away your confidence and power.

He was honest in the beginning, sure, but that doesn’t win him the “nice guy of the year award.” He’s having sex with you while shopping the market, as you sit back and watch it happen. Keep doing this and you will lose what’s most precious and valuable to you: your self-esteem.

No, don’t bother to hang in there. He already knows you intimately and yet still feels the need to date other women. He has all the information he needs at this point. This won’t grow or get better from here; your instincts are already telling you that.

(Don’t play hard to get either. Games are for kids. They never get you anywhere.)

Taking Action

As your dating coach I can tell you here’s what to do: be honest with him, and more importantly, with yourself. Tell him this no longer feels good, and you’d like to stop being intimate since he’s dating other women. Remember, this is not a game, nor is it an ultimatum. It’s simply you being authentic and taking care of your mind, body and spirit.

Then move on. He dates, you date.

I hope this helps Lisa, and I wish you the very best.

We as women dating have more power than we know. We have the power to choose. We choose with our eyes and our smile. We decide who we invite into our lives, into our hearts and into our beds. Never give up on yourself, and what you, personally, need to be happy. Listen to your intuition and trust yourself! You are the most important person in this process.

Have a great day everyone, and for more online dating advice….check out my four part series – 8 Ways to Win at Online Dating.

Much love,
April Beyer Signature

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