This week’s One-to-One question is from Diane, who seems to have everything going for her except a relationship:
“I’m a confident, successful, educated, fit and well-rounded woman. My life is great. I have incredible friends, a career I love and freedom to travel. The only thing that’s missing is the love of a good man. I don’t need anyone to take care of me and I’m extremely independent. My friends tell me that I intimidate men and I feel invisible (or at least to the men I want to meet). How can I correct this? I’m starting to lose hope that men are actually attracted to smart and accomplished women. Should I dumb it down and pretend not to know so much? Your help is much appreciated…”
What I find interesting about your question, Diane, is that you only mentioned what you do and what you have. Basically, you’ve listed your resume. Clearly, you’re a smart woman. But my guess is that you aren’t dating smart. Dating smart requires you to have an honest and deep understanding of who you are, and what you have to offer a man romantically.
I’ve spent 15 years interviewing and working with some of the country’s most eligible, successful, marriage-minded men. It’s rare that a man will list the traits you mention as his “wish list” for his ideal woman. (And by the way, this is GOOD news. Don’t you want to be loved for you? Instead of for your education, career, money or the shape of your body? Trust me. All of these are great but they’re just icing on the cake.) What about the way you love, forgive, communicate, and your ability to make a man feel strong and inspired? What about how affectionate, warm and feminine you are? I could go on and on!
Here’s the reality:
Men aren’t intimidated by women who are smart, successful and educated. That’s a lie women tell themselves when they aren’t willing or ready to look at themselves and consider how they might be behaving in the world. The fact is, men appreciate a woman who has pursued her goals. A man can benefit greatly from marrying a woman who’s intelligent, capable, successful and rational — but not at the exclusion of warmth, care, chemistry and romance. My dating advice is to become aware of the signals you’re putting out to men.
It’s great that you are independent. But there has to be room for two in a relationship — each person needs to be able to give, and have their gifts received. A man will need to know he can (and will have the opportunity to) be there for you, make you happy, protect and love you. Take those things away from him and you’ve taken away his desire and need to be with you.
Thank you so much for your question Diane. If you’d like to learn more about developing your dating smarts, I encourage you to check out my upcoming Smart Sexy Soulful Dating™ course starting in March.
I’d really like to know what signals you’ve found men to be most receptive to. Have you ever intentionally decided to change the dynamic and try something different? How did it go? Share your experiences in the comments section; I’m very interested…
Much Love and see you all next Wednesday.
P.S. As you know I’ve been an exclusive Matchmaker for 15 years and founder of Beyer & Company where I consult for the country’s most influential marriage-minded men. Here is your opportunity to complete a private & confidential dating profile for my network of amazing women at no charge. Take a look to learn more and sign up for free today!
This article really resonates with me. I am sure that this is the biggest problem I have when dating. I have had to be self sufficient since childhood as a matter of survival. I understand and agree that a man needs to see that they are needed, can take care of protect you, see your more feminine traits. I just don’t know what this looks like- what it means I need to do differently, how to do it. I know I have these traits (warmth, kindness, good communicator, etc), but don’t know how to project these things better when on a date instead of having my strength, independence at the forefront.
I guess, for me, the word ‘independent’ can mean something different for each of us as I read the steam of comments. When I think of ‘independent’ in the context of a relationship, the word describes a women who understands there will be time, and sometimes lots of it, when she won’t be with her man. This is a time to say “I love and miss you,” without being whiny, or needy. In my last relationship, the guy was so grateful he didn’t have to worry about me, too.
On the other subject, I agree 100% a man must – believe and know – he can make you happy and that you need what he has to offer. A friend once told me a man needs a job, and a woman needs a hire, or something like that. She always has 3 things in mind to keep them both happy. My friend’s husband brings her coffee in bed every morning. (Of course. She can make it herself, that’s not the point!) The point is, this simple little ritual each morning gives him so much pleasure because it means so much to his wife. She loves him waking her up and leaving a hot cup of coffee just the way she likes it (no alarm clock necessary). I think there is a lot to be said for not doing everything just because you can. Doing everything is not a sign of intelligence, and needing a man is the farthest thing from acting like a bimbo. I’ll never forget the time I mentioned to a boyfriend that my stove and oven wasn’t working right. He asked me a few questions, and asked me to take a picture of an electrical part ( after he walked me through the way to lift the range top). The next afternoon, he stopped by, took apart one piece of my appliance, replaced the part, and ‘voila,’ all was back in working order. I don’t think he’ll ever forget my look of relief and sheer joy. And seriously, he made me very happy.
My boyfriend became passive when he realized I was assertive and independent. I’m a feminine woman but I used to call him and make plans. Is that emasculating him?
April, I have been married for almost 12 years and have a 5 and 3 year old. I was married at 21 and feel like I know NOTHING about being single or the dating life and am unrelateable to my single friend. She’s very successful in all she does, but yet isnt married still at 33. Not that I think everyone should be married and have kids, I see her hurt heart and know she so desperately desires the love and commitment from a husband… not to mention becoming a mom. I felt like what you wrote is exactly how I see my friend and want her to not be down on herself, think ill of all men and give up. I do know she has A LOT of baggage she’s slowly working out, but how can I as a friend speak with her about this without being offensive, like I know better where she’s thinking I have no idea, or losing her friendship? I don’t want to just be friends with women who are in the same life stage as me, but it’s a challenge to make a friendship work with not much in common. I hope you can help give me a guide to be a good friend who’s deeply hurting. Thanks!
I don’t find that men are intimidated by me. I have found dating a man who makes close to or less than I make a challenge. In the three relationships I’ve had since my divorce, 2 of those guys seemed to have difficulty with the fact that I had more income than they. It created some serious conflict.
Hi Andrea,
Yes, this can create conflict. However, there’s more to this than just money. For example, were these men intelligent? Did they have good self-esteem? There are men who are brilliant teachers or have other careers where there might be a ceiling with what they are able to earn. I’ll bet if you look back at those relationships, there were other issues that these men had prior to dating you.
Great comments! Men will only call a woman “smart” if she knows how to take care of her self-esteem, knows what she needs and is able to articulate that in a calm and positive way. So, we need to redefine SMART! Loving the posts everyone!
April – this is fabulous! I agree – men are not intimated by a successful woman, but they might not be attracted if she isn’t approachable, warm or friendly. Your feminine energy is what matters most to connect with men, since this heightens their masculine energy and makes them feel good.
I think the men that are ‘intimidated’ by successful women are the ones that are insecure. Guys who are comfortable with themselves aren’t going to be afraid of women who have their act together. In fact they are supportive! The ones that aren’t ‘successful’ in their work need women who are not going to be supportive of strong women but that ones that comfortable with their lives aren’t going to discriminate.
My reply is a two part one that are at opposite ends of the spectrum. My first marriage ended after 9 years because according to my ex – he didn’t feel needed so he found someone that was very needy (emotionally, physically and financially) and I have no idea how that worked out or didn’t for him.
At the opposite end of the spectrum. I went into this relationship debt free and owned my own vehicle. I’m coming out of this relationship after 4.5 yrs with a debt of 92,000.00 from a man who expected me to continue making 50% of his vehicle payments on a vehicle we bought jointly in 2009 because his was unreliable This from a self sufficient intelligent woman. (scrap intelligent and substitute gullible). My Independence was a magnet for an opportunist that I didn’t recognize – until it was too late and then too humiliated that I had been so stupid to get out sooner which would have lessened the financial and emotional damage.
I had a very similar situation recently. I was naive and unaware of this type of person. A moocher and a mama’s boy is how I identify them now. I didn’t think money was an issue in the beginning I was looking for someone who could be an assistant to me in my home based sales and marketing business and a partner but I soon learned that he had no intention of working with me or anyone else. He kept making excuses and promising that he would make things happen and I kept believing him!! I hoped that soon he would do something productive work on himself, exercise, volunteer, pick up a broom or do the dishes without me having to ask, anything other than playing video games and watching movies and TV on Netflick and eating. He asked me to to marry him right away, I said no, we needed WAIT a year and then see. That was my biggest mistake promising him a year. I knew within 90 days I could not trust him. I went away on a business trip and gave him a home improvement project, he ended up spending all night on the town and taking a woman he met on the town on a snorkeling excursion, I call it a date. I asked him to leave when I found this out but he begged and pleaded and cried and promised me it meant nothing and he loved me so much. And I believed him! And besides I had promised to give it a year. Another 90 days passed and again and still nothing productive and another 90 days – just the video games and the entertainment around the clock. Oh, and the hour long phone calls to his friends all of which were female and his mother of course. I supported him for a year and finally realized it was all take take take with nothing given in return. He had a sense of entitlement as if I owed him this lifestyle. At the end of the year I broke up with him, his mom sent him 2000.00 to set him up in a place of his own, within 5 days after breaking up he posted on his facebook page he was engaged and married to someone he met 2 days after breaking up with me. These guys are “con-artists” the “con” meaning “confidence.” They are the type of person that makes women feel good and they have had a lot of practice at manipulating them and playing on their emotions. They can actually make a good living at it. They prey upon trusting women or the “caring” types. I’ve been advised not to give up on trusting people, that is a great quality. But to just know that I will probably err on the side of getting hurt rather than hurting others. Trusting and generosity is an admirable trait. It will be a great thing for the right person. I have learned a valuable lesson. I hope this helps other successful independent women who are willing to open themselves to men to be on the look out, I wish someone had warned me!
I can definitely relate to Diane. As successful independent women we have high expectations as well which I believe can be part of the problem.
That’s the whole problem. Women who say ” I don’t need anyone to take care of me and I’m extremely independent”. Why the hell would a man want a woman like this, who has no need of him for anything? You must need a man for something, if you want to have one. Men are wired to be needed and serve a purpose for their lady.
My girlfriends and I are always debating about this! Thank you so much for your insight April!