Sparks! with April Beyer

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What Your Relationship With Your Ex Says About You

I got an interesting question from Annie recently…

Hi April. I’ve noticed a common “thing” about all my exes. We have an awesome relationship after breaking up. For no reason we stay friends and keep in touch. The thing is, they all come to me for relationship advice. My question is why am I not good enough for a committed relationship with them, but good enough for being a wise friend who gives solid advice? P.S. I love your blog.

Annie, thanks so much! I’m so glad my blog is helpful to you. Right out of the gate, I want you to stop thinking about “being a wise friend who gives solid advice” as being the next runner up in a beauty pageant. You most likely have always been a friend to everyone you’ve dated, and that friendship was stronger than the romance.

It’s not as if these wonderful friendships only started after you broke up. I’m sure that throughout your relationship, you were a trusted source for all different kinds of advice. Now that you no longer see one another romantically, what was really valuable to these men about you still remains.

That doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough. It’s a wonderful trait to have!

You Will Likely Have Many Exes On Your Journey to Lasting Love.

Remember you are always good enough. You just haven’t found the right connection yet.

Romantic relationships are not the end all, be all. Think about the friendships you’ve had are for a lifetime, but the guys you’ve dated have come and gone romantically. I know for me, I hold all my friendships (male or female) near and dear to my heart. I’m living proof that you can remain close with your ex boyfriends and benefit from a beautiful and lasting friendship.

Know that you will eventually find the right man and establish that lasting connection; he’s out there. But in the meantime, you’re among the lucky few who will collect a number of wonderful friends along the way! Take heart, Annie, you are blessed!

Friend or Lover?

So here’s my question to all of my Sparks! readers. Do you feel second best when you’re chosen as a friend over being a lover or partner? If so, have you asked yourself why? I want to hear from you so let’s discuss! I’ll be checking into the comments section this week putting in my two cents and giving you a little perspective.

Much love,

14 Responses to “What Your Relationship With Your Ex Says About You”

  1. Jeri says:

    You can never have too many friends! I am 46 years old and still friends with a lot of my exes (some that I’ve known since high school). I see or hear from some more often than others, but all are there for me if I need them and know that I will be there for them too. Our love may have changed from romantic to platonic, but we will always share that bond. Usually we connected in the first place because of our similar personalities and common interests so of course our friendship was strong from the start therefore should still be that way. I always joke that his new girlfriend or wife has me to thank for teaching him to be successful at relationships.

  2. jojo says:

    Yes, because it’s like leaving me and going ahead and getting married to another women.

    • April Beyer says:

      Jojo- getting married to someone else does not mean that you are not as wonderful. People make choices in partners for all kinds of reasons. Keep you head up and your heart open!

  3. Olga says:

    Agree w/ April, but want to add:only if there is no romantic (or angry) feeling on one side. Then it doesn’t work

    • April Beyer says:

      Yes Olga. That’s my point. Only when there was a solid friendship to begin with can you continue the relationship.

  4. jodi says:

    I used to feel this way. But now that I studied up on men and relationships, I know I was doing things that caused my guy to disconnect. I was talking to him like I would if he was a girlfriend. Men dont like it, cant process that and are repulsed when we talk, talk, talk about whats wrong in the relationship. I know now that I have to be clear about what I want, how I feel about what I want and above all, cannot be critical nor emotional about whats not working. If I want physical affection, I cant stew that he doesn’t give that to me like he used to. I have to act physically affectionate and then tell him how much I love it when we are physically affectionate. I back off from communicating throughout the day giving him space to do what his single tasking ability allow. At the end, he appreciates me more, doesn’t feel criticized and feels like I get him. The, he gives me the type of treatment that I love.

    • April Beyer says:

      Agreed Jodi. Self-Knoweldge and awareness are the keys to successful and lasting relationships. If anyone- male or female, complains constantly that they aren’t getting enough out of the relationship, it will make your partner feel unsuccessful with you. If you aren’t receiving the love you desire, keep moving and looking for someone who speaks your language.

  5. MsMuriel says:

    I am concerned about my relationship status. I am 23 years old, a beautiful girl, not having a luck at finding the one who really will love me the way I do love him.I can date a guy but only for one or two months. I am concerned that maybe there’s something wrong with me…

    • Cheryl says:

      My 25-year-old niece never had a boyfriend, or even a date, till she was 23. As she watched her girlfriends getting engaged and married, she really thought there was something wrong with her. She is a gorgeous, bright, sweet girl. Then she met someone. She’s been with him for two years and says he’s everything she’s ever wanted in a man. It’s not a matter of anything being wrong with you, it’s a matter of G-d bringing the two of you together, and it will happen when G-d knows it’s the right time, and not before. For that you should be happy, because if it happens before one of you is ready, it won’t last. Never give up.

    • April Beyer says:

      Don’t be concerned. You’re 23. Give yourself a break. Take time to learn more about yourself and your specific needs. Love will happen in good time.

  6. zamile says:

    I do feel like I’m second best because they always come to me for their relationship advice. I feel if I’m good enough to give them that why am I not good enough to stay with. Maybe I’m just tired of being told that the guy who would have you will be the luckiest guy on earth, why can’t he be that guy. Ok, two emotions shared by me alone. I wrote that email to April I do get her reply, and thank you for it!

    • April Beyer says:

      You are welcome! I hope the post was helpful to you. Just know that you are extremely valuable. I had plenty of men in my life tell me they wanted to be friends when I was single. You only need one! Be kind to yourself.

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