Just about anyone we date is going to have some kind of relationship history, no one is a blank slate. But, as Mary wants to know, how does a man’s recent divorce figure into your dating picture?
I’ve been dating a man who’s been divorced for one year and has two children from his previous marriage. I care for him and we seem to have a great connection but I’m not always his priority. I’m ready to get married and have children, but I worry that he may want to play the field for a while. Am I wasting my time? How long should a man be divorced before he is ready for a significant relationship? Thank you in advance for your help!
Dating someone who’s recently divorced can present some challenges. Typically, men who’ve been separated or divorced for only a year or two aren’t looking to walk down the aisle right away. They need time, regardless of who ended the marriage, and especially if there are children involved.
You wouldn’t want a man who rushes right back into another marriage immediately after a divorce, would you? That’s a recipe for disaster! The more time away from the divorce, the better.
You say you’re ready to get married and start a family, so you need ask him if he sees this for himself in the near future. Timing is indeed everything and unfortunately, love alone is not enough.
However, there’s a bigger issue here. It’s that you don’t feel like a priority in his life. My advice is to look at that first. What good is it to marry him if you’re not important to him right now? Don’t be fooled into thinking that a wedding day fixes anything. All you should focus on is how you are being treated and loved right now. Today.
(By the way, even if a man is recently divorced, that doesn’t necessarily mean he has the need to go out and play the field. It depends on when he got married. Some men really loved being married, and they do want it again, maybe just not right now.)
Ultimately, it’s your responsibility to decide what your personal goals are, and if this man is on the same page as you are. Don’t be afraid to speak up! The question to ask him is not about whether he sees a future with you, it’s about seeing what he feels ready for in general — with any woman.
I appreciate your question Mary. I know so many women go through this so if you’re reading this blog and have your own stories or questions, I would love to read your comments. Have you found that men need more time after divorce than women? Please share!
And don’t forget, if you want to invest in your own readiness for love, you can sign up to be notified when we open registration for my Smart Sexy Soulful Dating™ course! Just getting on the list will give you access to some amazing and transformative information! You can get on the list here. We’re starting soon and I don’t want you to miss out!
Your friend in love,
P.S. As you know I’ve been an exclusive Matchmaker for 15 years and founder of Beyer & Company where I consult for the country’s most influential marriage-minded men. Here is your opportunity to complete a private & confidential dating profile for my network of amazing women at no charge. Take a look to learn more and sign up for free today!
I dated a few divorced guys. Just enough to figure out that dating a divorced man is a total waste of time for a never-married woman. Let the divorced date the divorced. Second marriages have over 80% failure rate. Why would you throw away your marriage by choosing a man who has been divorced? Much better to hedge your bets by only dating unmarried men, imo. The divorce rate for first marriages is high, but not THAT high.
if you knew so much lv, maybe you wouldn’t be a never married woman. i find your comments rude and ignorant besides. the divorce rate for 2nd marriages is no where near ‘over 80%’. there is no actually verifiable number available, but somewhere near 60% is the generally accepted number.
2nd marriages have more challenges to overcome than first marriages, and there are a lot of married people, in their first marriage, who are miserable but refuse to get divorced. people in an unhappy, unfixable marriage who’ve already been through divorce aren’t so afraid of it and can better recognize when to abandon a sinking ship. better happy alone than miserable together.
of course, the point is to be happy together, and previously divorced people are just as capable of making choices that allow that to happen, that nurture love, as are people who’ve not yet tried like you. in fact, often i think i’d rather be with a divorced man who’s taken the time to look at himself, who has already learned his own shortcomings and is working to take responsibility for them than a man who is untested. just as i know i’m a better person for the growth i’ve experienced out of pain and failure, i have full faith that others can be as well.
It takes about 3 – 5 years for a man to get over a divorce. Some men divorced a year or two do indeed play the field. Other men only want to be with one woman, but still are not ready for a serious relationship. This is the main reason why you will not be a top priority in his life. Men need time and if you date a man divorced within 1 – 3 years he may not be into you as you would like.
Four years ago I met an amazing man who was 1 week away from his divorce. We had that connection you speak of. I loved him more than my previous husband of 25 years. Two years later he left me for someone he met in a bar that was covered with tatoos. Last week he broke up with her. I agree with Linda; they need time. I questioned it the very first week we started dating and he said he was ready but he wasn’t. Mary I wish I had listen to my inner guilt, you have it or you wouldn’t be questioning it, but I didn’t and I still love him very much and it has been two years.
I agree with Linda. It takes AT LEAST 3-5 years for a man to get over a divorce. And I feel that it takes about the same for woman as well. If anyone has ever went through a divorce, you would experience “numb”, no ability to feel, in the first year. Then, in the 2nd year, you start to be able to cry and realize you may be able to love again. For Mary’s case, I believe that Mary helps him to realize that he is still capable to feel love and share love to her. But, it is recovering stage from trauma wound to him. To him, it may seems to early to let anyone come TOO close to his heart eventhough he feels great connection with her because the wound is still fresh and untouchable. It needs more time to heal until it turns to perfect scar. Normally, a divorced man or woman seem not to be ready for next commitment earlier than 3-5 years after a divorce. I, personally, prefer to date divorce men than unmarried men because it feels nice to share life with pro than amatuer. Just my personal preference.
I am 40 years old and have been divorced for 11 years, hate to admit that I have had a lot of experience dating both the recently divorced and men that have been divorced for years. From my experience it is not about the time they have been divorced but whether or not they are at the same place in their life that you are in yours. I have met recently divorced men who spent the last few years of the marriage alone (and yes it is possible even in a marriage) and so they are ready to move forward. And then there are the recently divorced who liked being married and don’t know how to be single and are immediately looking to get married again. I’ve also met men who have been divorced for 6, 7, 8 years that even though they don’t necesarily like being alone they are content with their singledom and do not want to have the commitment or responsibilities of a partner. So to me it really just depends on the man and where they’re at in their life more than a number of years.
Hi Shellie,
Your experence with the kinds of divorced men you’d dated is not uncommon. What every man either divorced or single needs and looks for in a relationship with a woman is: Sex, Comfort & Companionship.
I found a guy who was amazing. This guy had 5 kids and me too total of 10. This man had been divorced for 4 years. We shared alot of coversation before meeting in person. We lived in same state yet different cities. I was a college student he on a disability. I would go visit him by bus which took me 2 1/2 hrs there then of course back.He came to see me once. After seeing him 6 months and noticing he had more interest in his kids than for us. I stopped seeing him then asked when he would come see me, his answer always was I don’t know. Then during our phone conversations I would pay attention to how he came up for money for his kids yet never to come see me. I had taken our kids to the beach for the weekend , bought for him and took them to movies. I got to know his family but he never knew my family. He had met two of my kids I met all of his. I finally confronted him and shared my thoughts only in returned for him to shut down. He kept calling me and I asked why and said its confusing to me. I accepted him being poor and his other issues of anxieties. Anyways it came to light my gut feeling he was not ready he just wanted his needs met. Men will not be honest it seems they will use women say anything to seem sincere and honest yet in the end I have become like a rights of passage. I asked all the questions and said honesty and communication is important. I was patient and never a bitch. He wanted to work things out but didnt want to be boyfriend girlfriend because he said once bitten twice shy. What? I am the one bitten lied to and decieved. I felt once again emotionally raped. then he says lets date lol yeah right he won’t come visit me he has a car so how are we supposed to date/ lmao luckily he never called again and I definetly never called him
Hi Debra,
You are better off in the long run ending the relationship for whatever it was worth. But in this man’s defense I must explain something that you might not of been aware of while pursuing a relationship with this guy.
You mention that this man had 5 kids and you also have 5 kids. You also mentioned that he was on disability and that you are in college. To any guy in his situation dating a woman in your situation I can understand why he didn’t really want to commit to a serious relationship.
When it comes to being in a relationship with a woman, men by nature, seek to be Providers, Protectors & Lovers. Being a provider and protector to you and your kids he couldn’t give to you, so he settle for just being your lover. Understanding men and their nature is the key to dating and finding the right man for you and your children.
I have several comments regarding this question having gone through a divorce myself.
1. There are very very few absolutes, especially with human beings. One person may be ready much sooner than someone else. And evaluating a connection/relationship based on similar values and lifestyles is a much better measurement than whether both people are divorced or not, etc. For example, I have met men without kids who are awesome with kids, and have met men WITH kids who are not good with kids at all.
3. From my experience, I can say that men and women who establish healthy attachment in a relationship, regardless of who ended it, will likely need time to recover from a marriage. It was hard for me to let go of the emotional bond and the commitment, and while I believe that is a good sign in terms of future commitments, I am certain that my decisions shortly after were compromised. At the time, I felt like I was being completely rational. That is the most dangerous part. I could verbally justify my decisions, and didn’t see any difference between who I was for that time period, and who I have been the rest of my adult life. I remember my justification was that I like the family dynamic, I like how it feels to do the things I enjoy and share them, so why not start that as soon as possible? I had plenty of arguments to convince myself that I was being reasonable. My big red flag was that I seemed to be in a hurry. And with the right person, there is no justification to rush.
Hi E,
You are right! There is no justification to rush into marriage. But may I add that women are natural bonders and are always, by nature, relationship ready. As a mature woman, your strongest natural instinct is to mate. Know this and never doubt who you are or your decisions when it comes to love again.