Sparks! with April Beyer

You are closer than you think.

The Friday Takeaway

Have You Hit a Relationship Roadblock?

You’ve been waiting for a magical sign…

A twinkle in his eye. A trip to his hometown to meet his family. A dainty blue box cleverly hidden in the hall closet just above the winter coats and yoga mats. You’re sure you’re going to catch that mischievous grin on his face that hides the “big secret” he’s not willing to share just yet.

Something — anything — that will give you a sense of comfort and safety in knowing that this important relationship is indeed moving toward a more serious commitment.

It’s been a while. Days, months and even years have passed and still, no sign of a proposal. You’ve started to dodge the endless calls from friends and family:

“He has a lot on his plate right now, Mom. You just don’t understand. He’s very busy. His business has suffered this year and marriage just isn’t a priority. I have to go, I’ll call you next week.”

“He’s a little afraid of commitment. You know, his parents got a divorce when he was in High School,” you say to your girlfriends, almost convincing yourself with your story.

When you decided to live together, you made it very clear you’d need to be engaged within a reasonable amount of time. You read the books, consulted with well-meaning confidants, and presented your case as you unpacked your dish boxes, chose your side of the bed, and made room for your electric toothbrush. It felt good to take this step. After all, it was movement in the right direction.

Certainly you’re better off than your other friends, who never dreamed of living with a man before marriage. “You’re halfway there,” you remind yourself while giving yourself a soccer-coach style slap on the back.

But, now — you’re worried you and your new roomie have completely different ideas of reasonable. Hmmm. Were you truly clear with him? Did you play it too cool in the beginning, hoping he would simply know what you meant? Or, worse yet, what if you were crystal clear and things still haven’t changed? Did he knowingly ask you to shack up without regard for your feelings, wishes, needs and goals? No. That would be too unbearable. That would make him a bad guy and he’s not. He’s the man you love! The man you want – no–need to marry.

Hey, beggars can’t be choosers, right? At this point, you’ve let go of the hope for a surprise trip to Maui planned for just this very important occasion. You’ll settle for being asked over latte’s and spinach wraps.

Not only are you annoyed with him, you’re annoying yourself with the constant barrage of complaints, worry and insecurity. Suddenly, you don’t even recognize yourself. Uh-oh. You’ve become THAT girl. The girl with the one-track mind on a loop:

“When is he going to marry me?”

To stay or to go, that’s the real question.

You worry about whether he loves you, or loves you enough to make such a gesture and huge commitment. The second-guessing creeps in, tainting your relationship, and chipping away at your self-esteem.

You wonder if he’s truly ready and what you can do to get him aboard the readiness bus. But, alas, that’s not your job. You suddenly remember you already have a job, and one that actually comes with a paycheck. But you’re also not ready to walk away. Who knows who else it out there. The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t, right? Besides, just the thought of starting over and getting back into the dating pool makes your stomach do back flips.

See? Look How Great I Am

Instead, you start to audition, like an off-Broadway chorus girl. You dance and prance. You iron his shirts and prepare meals like Paula Dean. You fatten him up with extra sugar, and whip up TV trays of dude food when he and his buddies gather for Sunday night football. (You hate football. But, you watch and feign interest.) You want to look and feel like the perfect woman. You’ve perfected the art of felatio. Who wouldn’t want to marry you? You’re the dream and he’s damn lucky to have you.

How long do you wait and anticipate? You don’t want to leave the theater until the bitter end. What if the movie gets better? What if the entire plot comes together at the very end and gives the most amazing payoff????

Guess what? It’s okay. The fact is, most of us have been this woman at one time or another, whether we admit it or not.

So how do you break the frustrating cycle of wondering and wishing and waiting on him to be as ready as you are?

Trust Yourself

No one has your instincts and they’re yours for a good reason. Make sure it’s your intuition you’re listening to, however and not your fear.

How do you know the difference?

Fear makes you feel like kicking, running and screaming, while your intuition feels like an elderly sweet friend giving you sage advice. You’ll know the difference when you make your decisions from faith and knowledge, instead of the alternative which never looks or feels good.

Trust HIM

Yes, I said it. If this IS indeed the man you are dying to share your life with in a forever sort of way, why aren’t you trusting his ability to make a big decision like marrying you? Ask yourself if you’re willing to partner with a man that needs you to mommy him through life’s challenges. If you don’t trust him with decisions, why would you want to marry him?

I will tell you that sometimes men don’t marry certain women because they simply don’t think they are the “one.” Sure, they may love you, like you, and think you’re incredible, but that doesn’t always equal The Woman I’ll Spend the Rest of My Life With.

There’s also another important reason why he may not be proposing. He’s not ready to be your husband. Ready to love you and spend time? Sure, but it’s that next step that’s stopping him dead in his tracks. Some men don’t propose because they don’t believe they are capable of making it work. This is where trust comes in. You can’t push or convince him. Perhaps he knows his staying power better than you do. Believe him if he’s reluctant.

There’s always a reason.

That is why you must…

Be Careful What You Wish For

A reluctant fiancé is often the reluctant husband. The last thing you need (especially if children now or in the future are involved) is a partner who consistently throws the “I told you I wasn’t ready to get married” card in your face every time there’s a bump in the road.

Find the man who is just as excited to marry you as you are him. Otherwise, it’s truly a form of settling, and no one wants that.

And finally, how long should you wait?

That is up to you. Your own comfort level and what is most important to you at this time in your life will be your guide. Don’t be fooled or swayed by the timelines of your friends. All to often I see women trying to get married simply because “friends are doing it” and starting families. No matter how many weddings you attend, stay focused on your journey.

You’re a unique woman and you’re not a follower. You have your own divine timing and wisdom, that is just yours to have and to hold. So don’t compare.

Stay smart. Stay open. Stay connected to your heart.

Hugs,

april-sig-small

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